Another Turn of the Screw

"Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice . . . you don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying . . . lobbying, to get what they want . . . Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I’ll tell you what they don’t want . . . they don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that . . . that doesn’t help them. That’s against their interests. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin' years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers . . . Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and now they’re coming for your Social Security money. They want your fuckin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street, and you know something? They’ll get it . . . they’ll get it all from you sooner or later cause they own this fuckin' place. It’s a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in The big club. By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table has tilted folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good honest hard-working people . . . white collar, blue collar it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard-working people continue, these are people of modest means . . . continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you . . . they don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t care about you at all . . . at all . . . at all, and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes everyday, because the owners of this country know the truth. It’s called the American Dream cause you have to be asleep to believe it . . .” - George Carlin

I've been busy, but really that's just the beginning. Of course, I have been busy with the band, Smoke Gypsy and we've played a few shows now. There's music on our page, for those who might remember who I am, and might be interested. Mostly though, my internet existence has been reduced to minimal. Mostly, I'm happy with living the majority of my life offline. Now that I'm no longer on probation, it's a lot easier to do so.

In other news, I've been seeing a lovely gal, who actually lives within an hour of here. We might be moving in together sometime in the next month or maybe two.

My car is still out of commission. The night of a recent ice storm, some douchebag broke both door handles off the driver's side of the car. The right front ball joint has gone to crap, and as an added bonus, I've yet to renew the sticker, which expired December 31st.

Also, the Northbridge fan on my pc is dead, so currently I'm operating with the case open, and a fan blowing in. Not good for the dust factor, but since I have $5 to my name to last until Friday, I've no other choice. I'm going to order a new one on payday, http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16835226019 unless someone decides to spring for one before then. I'm not asking though, and certainly not expecting anything.

The latest news, is that I'm OH SO CLOSE, to having TWO debts paid off. I'll have to wait for the H&R Block-heads to make this damned Form 8880 available, and I'm trying SO HARD to be patient.

More news later, dear friends.

I have no real idea of what's going on inside of me
only that the core of whatever I am,
being anything more than just an elegant strand of carbons and such,
some commotion stirs.
I dare not ask why, or to where since I already know the answers.
but here in the silence it's easy to know
that somewhere down below

beneath the machine
callouses, bones, meat and hair
one part, only visible in a flash
a look.
this one part lives on.

Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead

And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood

And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn

And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:

Okay, there's your story!
Night-night!

why do we have to have a reason to be happy? we don't. sometimes we can just be happy. there are people though, who aren't happy, and won't let your happiness last. Misery loves company, sometimes. Sometimes misery is it's own best friend. I've every spectrum of emotion as you, I get sad and angry at sadness and don't want to be cheered up at times. I want to burn in my self-pity, burn in my misery, burn in my solitude. Fantastic the way it feels righteous to be alone. Good. Then, I can be happy. Am I happy? Not really, I'm alone. What good is it to be happy when there's no one there to take notice? Love. The silver lining, the golden fleece, might as well be. I'm no Jason, I have no Argonauts. But I am no coward either. A coward may quit, a coward may try, only in the feeblest of manners. How then, would anyone blame him for losing hope? No. Forget about hope, everyone wants me to "not lose hope!!" I just want to act on my own intuition and education, and do the things that I need to do. Hope is for people with time to spare. I have work to do. Forget about love, what good would it do me anyway? But oh... the feeling of love. To be loved. To be held and touched and seen and known. If only someone could see things the way I do, and feel my heart ache to know that there may be someone out there, in the void, in the dark, wandering around in a see of faces and words, and money, and ugly proposition, lies, hate, rape, and the masses rage on, unaware of the silent warfare, the mass attack battering ram of human life. But for that moment, the flash of the light in the loving eye, the prospect of an afternoon spent listening to music unheard, a picnic in the grass, far away from roads and buildings, the many trappings of money. The look of love. The hook, that binds two souls together. It tears through both hearts, as a challenge. Love is pain, so they say. The two hearts struggle to maintain, but only by staying together or tearing away from each other can they survive. Two hearts together, not working toward the common goal will eventually fall away, either dead or looking for another heart to be with. Someone who knows what they mean when they say the things that they really think. Sometimes the scars of previous hooks, ones more sharp than the others, healed... leaving behind a rough, desensitized exterior. The scars of war. Battles, fought and lost and won, but survived, nonetheless. Chicks dig scars, so they say. If that's true then I have plenty, both visible and not so much. A name carved into the skin, where love once lived. Old pain, long gone, but the scar remains. Last of the remnants of an old civilization, and city long since abandoned. Its temples marauded stripped of all their sacred scrolls. Blood and fire have been here. Gods have been here. They weren't aware that they were gods. They forgot, and were left standing by someone they didn't know, couldn't talk to. So they left. So... maybe I am a god. No, really. Who are you to tell me I am not? And now the christians, I guess, would have something to say, so, here's to you. I believe: That the book you live by, is good. Love, is the word. God is LOVE. Christ? No real clue. Doesn't matter either. Christ had but one lesson. Love. Forgiveness is in Love. To believe that there's an invisible man, who created us from love, isn't so bad. I don't think less of you. I just think you believe in an invisible man who has a plan laid out for you, so that, if you follow the rules, you'll someday be reunited with people you've not seen in a long time, people you miss, etc. and get in at the best buffet in town. I think I can make my existence better than that. My soul, if I have one, will accept the consequences, if there are any. I'm ok with that. I'm looking with unclouded eyes through a see of faces, only concerned with the only moment that really matters, now. Aren't I? I try, I keep trying. I get on the path. Sometimes there is no path, though. There's no path for someone like me. That's what makes it so hard, to go on, to get through and in the thick tangles, brambles and underbrush we get lost. Now the Christians laugh. "Told ya so." comes through the distant breeze, people walking through the valley. I don't want to be with them... not right now... They're still not far away, it's not like I'm the one who threw them out of their lives, out of their thoughts. Out of sight, out of mind, so they say. Even other people I know still have families. I have... me. Then comes the face in the dark, with a cruel tongue. A slide show of broken memories, of times and wars. And a time of peace. A time when I was a child, and didn't know. Do I long for that bliss? That ignorance? Heaven is a frame of mind, a moment in time, a frozen crystal of life. Eternal. What has been... will always be. So I have known heaven.... I've been there many times... still I long to wander from the place. The halls of the temple are bare, so many moments lost, forgotten or broken in fits of childish rage. Broken glass lies on the floors, waiting to spoil a moment to come. Hiding in the crevices to gouge a heel. Sometimes I sweep the pieces up, sometimes I leave them lie. It's sad, doing the housework, but it's work that must be done. Out with the old, in with the new, so they say. There are gods all around, and none of them know it either... I'll find one though, and her soul, when it comes near to mine, will know me, will feel me... just by proximity. There will be no awkwardness, just a sense of familiarity. A look. A smile. A friendly gesture. Time will tell, and if I'm wrong, then so be it. If I burn in hell, I'm sure to have plenty of company. But my hell isn't in the fire, it's in the ashes. Better to have loved and lost, so they say.

It's rained. I can hear cars driving through the still wet streets. My radiator for the chevette has been shipped. Oh goodie, now I get to wait for FedEx. This must be some kind of lesson. I'm waiting on everything. If I only could get all this accomplished at once, then I could just be happy for a minute. We're not recording this weekend either. Now, I really am frustrated. This will have to be discussed. I am getting pretty anxious about this whole thing. I'm ready for a break, and thinking about taking a trip to Chicago. I need some time off, some time out. Some human contact that doesn't have to do with work. I hope to stay with this one friend, and have a meal of food, perhaps even meet some new people. I'm going to be looking for a date when this Chicago based band is playing. I know that much. I'm listening to Strange Arrangement, and it makes me feel something a lot like the happiest sad I've ever been.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
1. Respect for self
2. Respect for others
3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

VS.

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

There's a dude at work who is willing to sell me his 99 Ranger for $1500. I don't have $1500. How to acquire said monies, is a mystery, as I have poor credit. Damn.

My band's name and myspace has changed! No music on the page yet, but we're recording the demo this weekend!
I need to set up a webpage, with so much going on with the band. There's a ton of stuff to be done. A ton. Personal life is nearly in the shambles as well. Need to get down to business, get my eyes focused on the things I have to do now. The game is afoot.

Lately it's been all go, all running, all go here, do that. I've enjoyed it all. Working first shift, I think, made a lot of that possible. I am back on second shift, and the first day back was a rough one. I'm tired and about to head for bed. I'm hoping I can sleep past seven in the a.m. Though I had a wonderfully long and luxurious pre-work, at which point I managed to shave, something I've not done in weeks. Long enough that I've forgotten when the last time I had shaved was... the work day was a dud. Nothing terrible, minus being terribly boring.

The weekend of the 4th wasn't much to speak of either, minus the decision on a band name. After much debate, we are Brown Dwarf No music to post to it yet, but weekend after next, we'll be in the studio recording demo material. Yowsa. I'm stoked.

and sleepy. g'nite.

Last night, was spend the night with the band, night. It's a lot of fun, having practice on a Saturday night. Whiskey drunks, as it turns out, do not have the best timing in the world. We practiced until it just started to sound too terrible to continue. Jammed out a new tune that I've been working on for the last couple weeks, and I must say, I was SO pleased. I'm looking forward to finishing it. A couple more songs, a few more practices and we'll be ready to record some kind of demo. More news on this, as it happens.

Now, I'm back in Mattoon, ready and waiting on the shower to get hot.

My favorite time of day... is sunrise. I love it. I love waking up at five, getting through my shower, and sitting here now, listening to this song, remembering that I downloaded it because you once said that you were obsessed with it.

I think one of the things that's kept me from posting, was for as long as I could hold off on making that post... It still felt like I'd just gotten back.

things are going along, well enough. I've no major grievances to air.


I watched this movie last night. "Fall"

I highly recommend it.

( monolog from 'fall' )
________________________________________________________________
Cut for length, it's pretty.

How long does it take?

Before the weight of a man's sorrow,

finally,
mercifully,

breaks the spine,

renders him hopeless

useless.

Disconnected.

So yes, I've been back from vacation for some time now. Why haven't I posted? I've gotten ready to, started, almost posted, and then abandoned these thoughts over and over again. I can't do experience justice by telling it all. In short, my vacation was phenomenal. Things have been going well since my return to work and the apartment. In a few weeks I'll be going back to night shift. Second shift, more than likely. I'm ok, though my body seems to have switched back to night owl mode, and I've been awake later and later as of recent.

I've decided to return to reading The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Unfortunately, I just stopped reading it one day, and now will have to pick up from the beginning, in order to make any sense of anything, which is really kind of a strange thing to say when referring to the work of Douglas Adams. *shrugs*

Thank you to everyone who wished me well on my trip, I'm sorry I've failed in the department of coming back with something to report. I will say this much about my trip. Every time I picked up my notebook to journal, I was interrupted. Not that I minded terribly, but I suppose every time I've sat down to write since, I've been struck by some post adolescent fit of ADD. I did visit New Orleans while in Louisiana, which was pretty great.
( Photos n' such )
Sorry the story sucked. I'll have to amend this, with the stories of some pretty exciting events, including one story about the trip back, a frenchman, and a post card. Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo was interesting, but my highlight of the night in New Orleans, was Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop, which is now, a bar. I met Mike Hood, who is a remarkable pianist, and singer.


Anyway, more later, I'm posting this before I change my mind. bleh.

I'm on vacation. Much to do, I haven't packed yet. Fifteen hour train ride. By this time tomorrow, I'll be in Louisiana. It's the first time in two years since I've seen my mom. We're just barely connected, other parts of my family are outright dissociated. I rarely even speak to my brother, who's phone number, I've just recently acquired. I'd call now, but I'll be you are at work. So- Hey motlei

I sometimes wonder, why it is I can comfortably go long periods of time without human contact... especially from the people who mean the most to me.

Anyway, it's all set. I'll be in Louisiana, completely interweb deprived. I shall explore, and observe. Perhaps, I might interact with the humans there, but that's less likely than my seeking out quiet spaces, perhaps just amongst family. MUST remember camera. MUST.

Time to get on with the trip. Much to do.

Much less than three.

So, I know that some time ago, I entertained the idea of getting a Euro-pass and fantasized about tripping around Europe, and as much fun to think about, as that is, it lacks the vital thing. Money. Currently, we're stuck in a money-run society, and you can't hitch a ride on a 747, that I know of.... more about this later.

Anyway, the point is, that while there are plenty of reasons to want to go to Europe, I have several in the US that I could stand to visit.

Ideally, the trip would have five major stops. Chicago, Montreal, Baton Rouge, Yuma & Los Angeles. A national rail pass is $389, for 15 days, during off peak travel times. A 42 hour train ride from LA to Chicago isn't too appetizing at the moment, but one plan at a time.

Baton Rouge or bust. More news later.

So, Friday was a good day. It's been hard as of late, to maintain a positive balance. Fortunately though, I managed to do it. A small feat for some, but for myself, I am pleased. Due cause for celebration, I thought. So, Josh and I went out. There wasn't much of a plan in place, and we had no one to meet up with, but our intent was to catch people out. So with no plan, we went to Charleston. As it turned out, the restaurant that Josh wanted to eat at was closing just as we were seated. So, dinner was out. We walked over to Friends & Co. which was nearly dead, but the sound of a band in the back made me curious, so.. in we went.

Friends & Co. is a nice dive kinda bar, it's dilapidated and generally run down, but it's great. The back room has the stage, and we walked in to find the band "Strange Arrangement." I found myself a bit frustrated knowing that I had, once again, wandered into the real world without my camera. This trend of leaving the quasi-stable habitat, if it is to continue, should be well documented for posterity's sake.

I did get their myspace

The band is from Chicago, and during the break I managed to make the rounds, meeting each of these exceptional fellows. Utterly random, this encounter, and when it comes time to make another trip into Chicago, I'll be paying the band a visit. May 30th, they're playing at Martyr's in Chicago, and I have yet to find out how I can manage, leaving work at 3pm and being in Chicago in time to get my bearings and get to Martyr's, wherever the hell that is. Then AFTER THAT, find a friend to let me crash at their place. Get up Saturday and go find some adventure served up Chicago style.

I do love Chicago.

BUT FIRST!


It's vacation time. Last year's vacation was a huge waste, for the most part. The only good thing I did was *K's wedding. The rest was pretty much lazy time, and it was really no fun at all. This year, I'm going to visit Mom and the rest of the clan, the side of the family that is, actually huge, but I'm not familiar with them. I'm so bad about not calling, not writing, not keeping in touch. Last night, the majority of the conversation was news about things I hadn't any knowledge of. Updates about people, whose names were familiar but there's no face in the memory warehouse catalog. Just a name. Even stranger are hearing about these events, and the impact on the kids, wives, etc, of the aforementioned relative.

I'm off for a bit. More later.

It's the first day, this week, that I've been up early enough to write. My desk is covered in tobacco and hints of ash, here and there. My vacation is coming up. I'm looking forward to it. If I can get around to getting my mother on the phone, a trip to Baton Rouge is on the horizon. The thought of hanging out with only them for an entire week, does not thrill me... the possibility of all those "So, Daniel, when are you going to get on the religion train. I just want to give you this book...." I hope to get to spend time at all my old haunts, avoiding these queer, yet inevitable moments. Catching up with family. I've never been close to them. I don't feel much connection to anyone. Maybe, some time around the relatives will be good for finding perspective. Who knows?

Time to finish getting ready for work.

I have been to the probation office for the last time. I have but one piece of paper, standing between me and my freedom. All I need do, is fill it out, affix postage, and mail it. This place is deathly quiet, save for the tolling bell across the way. Moist air flows in deftly through the open bare glassed windows. The curtains, in a ball on the floor. Every envelope is a song. A kiss and a broken promise. I fantasize that some of the envelopes were actually licked by people, as opposed to the reality of the little yellow sponge in the post office. That way. I don't feel so bad about walking on them, on my way to the window. I love the silence here. The steady flow of traffic here in the evening hours of Friday night. My original plan was to go out tonight, but instead, staying in, is particularly attractive right now. I'm drinking gatorade and smoking cheap self rolled cigarettes. Regardless of what kind of health I am in, or will be in, this is cheapest. It's cooling off now, earlier it was lovely and warm. Earlier than that, the building began to shake. Those people who watch the news, they knew what had happened. I knew what happened right away, as I sat here, in the early morning monitor glow. Having that morning smoke, the bitter taste in my mouth. Suddenly, I was wide awake, completely in the moment. I felt no confusion. I'm a little concerned at the moment of the structural integrity of the building. I've got money for food, but I think, getting groceries has to take precedence over the urge to go be social amongst 3 dimensional people. Time to go scout some food.

This update is over. More news later, stay tuned. I will broadcast as long as I am capable.